Hamlet in One Act or Carry On Hamlet

29/06/10

HAMLET IN ONE ACT
or
Carry on Hamlet

Scene 1
(Elsinor - a platform before the castle
Francisco at his post. Enter Bernardo.)

Bernado: Who's there?
Francisco: Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.
Bernado: Long live the King.
Francisco: Bernardo, you come most carefully upon your hour.
Bernardo: 'Tis now struck twelve, get thee to bed Francisco.
Francisco: For this relief much thanks.
(Enter Horatio and Marcellus.)
Francisco: Stand: ho, who is there?
Horatio: Horatio.
Marcellus: And me, Marcellus.
Francisco: Well come on down Horatio and Marcellus. I'm off. Give you good night.
Horatio: Give you good night.
Marcellus: Give me good night.
Francisco: Huh? Well, good night.
Marcellus: Thank you.
(Exit Francisco.)
Horatio: Holla Bernardo.
Bernado: Say, what is Horatio there?
Horatio: A piece of him.
Bernado: Which piece?
Horatio: Top half; bottom half's freezing.
Bernado: Holla.
Horatio: Holla.
Bernado: Holla to you Marcellus.
Marcellus: Well hello.
(Horatio gives Bernado a glance. They roll their eyes.)
Marcellus: Horatio thinks we're making it all up about the ghost appearing here every night.
Horatio: Tush, tush, t'will not appear.
Bernado: Sit down awhile,
And let us once again assail your ears
That are so fortified against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Horatio: OK, shoot.
Bernado: Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole....
(Enter ghost.)
Marcellus: Peace, break thee off, the bastard's back again.
Bernado: In the same figure like the King that's dead.
Horatio: Most like.
Marcellus: Question it Horatio.
Horatio: What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that fair and warlike form
In which the Majesty of buried Denmark
Did sometimes march?
Bernado: It stalks away.
Marcellus: It didn't understand the question, that's why.
Horatio: Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
Marcellus: Uh?
Horatio: I saw it - right?
Marcellus: Right.
Horatio: Let us impart what we have seen this night
Unto young Hamlet.
Marcellus: That,Horatio, is a simply fabulous idea.
(They leave.)

Scene 2
(Enter Claudius, the King, Gertrude, the Queen; Hamlet and others.)
King: Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death
The memory be green: and that it us befitted
To bear our hearts in grief, and our whole Kingdom
To be contracted in one brow of woe....
Well, in short, without beating about the bush,
We have to think of ourselves too you know.
So I married my brother's wife. Any objections?
(Silence. Hamlet opens his mouth but the King says quickly:)
King: No objections. Good. Now Hamlet.
Hamlet: What?
King: You're not still sulking are you?
Hamlet: No.
King: You are.
Hamlet: I am not.
King: You are, you are, you are.
Hamlet: Not, not, not.
Queen: Good Hamlet, cast thy nightly colour off
And let thine eyes look like a friend on Denmark.
Do not for ever with thy vailed lids
Seek for thy noble father in the dust.
King: Are, are, are.
Hamlet: Not, not, not.
King: Come, let's go.
(Flourish, Exeunt all but Hamlet.)
Hamlet: Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew:
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter. O God, O God!
She married. O most wicked speed, to post
With such dexterity to incestuous sheets -
She was in bed with him faster than woulds't
Blink two times.
Nay, not so much, not two.
(Enter Horatio, Bernardo and Marcellus.)
Horatio: Hail to your Lordship.
Hamlet: Horatio. Holla.
Horatio: Holla.
Hamlet: Holla Bernardo.
Bernardo: Holla.
Hamlet: Holla to you too Marcellus.
Marcellus: Well hello.
(Curious glances exchanged.)
Horatio: My Lord, I came to see you father's funeral.
Hamlet: Not my mother's wedding.
Horatio: Indeed my Lord, it followed hard upon.
Marcellus: I'll say!
Horatio: My Lord, I think I saw your father yesternight.
Hamlet: The King, my father?
Bernado: I saw him too my Lord.
Marcellus: And me, and me.
Hamlet: You saw my father?
Horatio: Season your admiration for a while
With an attent ear; till I may deliver
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Marcellus: It was a ghost!
Bernardo: Your father's ghost.
Horatio: Two nights together, had these gentlemen
Marcellus and Bernardo on their watch
In the dead waste and middle of the night
Been thus encountered. A figure like your father...
Marcellus: Like him! It was him.
Hamlet: I will watch tonight;
Perchance 'twill walk again.
If it assume my noble father's person
I'll speak to it, though Hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace.
Upon the platform 'twixt eleven and twelve
I'll visit you.
Until then, give me "five".
Marcellus: Right on.
(They slap hands.)
Hamlet: Bernardo, wills't give me "five" as well?
Bernardo: Good my Lord, "five" it is.
(They slap hands.)
Hamlet: Horatio too, give me... Why looks't thou so downcast my friend?
Horatio: Do you recall good Prince, a day some years ago
When in a pretence of a fight with swords
Did we play fencing with each other;
And recallest thou how you with accidental swipe
Removed a digit from my outstretched hand?
Hamlet: Tush, t'was but an accident.
Horatio: Thus, my Lord, 'twill not be possible
To give you what you now request:
i.e. a "five".
Hamlet: Be not downcast my goodly, honest friend;
I will the little finger of my hand fold in
So I, in pretence of four-fingered hand
Give you what your severed hand bestows.
So proud Horatio, I give you four
And hop'st that you, in deference to my act
Will, in return, give me those four delightful prongs
That springeth from your palm.
Horatio: "Four" it shall be my Lord.
(They slap hands.)
Hamlet: Upon the platform then.
(Exeunt.)

Scene 3
(Enter Laertes, Ophelia and Polonius.)
Laertes: Father, farewell.
Polonius: Farewell to thee Laertes. And to you too Ophelia.
Ophelia: I am actually not going with Laertes but staying here with you and Lord Hamlet.
Polonius: 'Tis told he hath of late
Given private time to you.
Ophelia: He hath my Lord of late made many tenders of his affection for me.
Laertes: I'm leaving now. Farewell.
Polonius: What is't between you? Give me the truth.
Laertes: Goodbye then father.
Polonius: Laertes: remember this:
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Laertes: Right. So....
Polonius: Now my girl: your meeting with young Hamlet must stop.
Laertes: Goodbye then.
Polonius: Come, let us go in together.
(Polonius and Ophelia leave; Laertes is left standing there still waving goodbye. He stamps his foot and leaves.)

Scene 4
(Enter Hamlet. Marcellus, Bernardo and Horatio.)
Hamlet: The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.
(Enter Ghost.)
Horatio: Look my Lord, it comes.
Hamlet: I will speak to thee:
I'll call thee Hamlet, King, father, Royal Dane.
Marcellus: How about "Ghost"?
Horatio: It beckons you to go away with it.
Bernado: But do not go.
Marcellus: You shall not go my Lord.
Hamlet: My fate cries out
And makes each petty artery in my body
As hardy as the Nemean lion's nerve;
Still am I called? Unhand me gentlemen.
By heaven I'll make a ghost of him that lets me;
I say away. Go on, I'll follow thee.
(Exeunt Ghost and Hamlet.)
Marcellus: What's a Nemean lion?
Bernardo: No idea.
Horatio: He waxes desperate with imagination.
Let's follow him.

Scene 5
(Enter Ghost and Hamlet.)
Hamlet: I'll go no further.
Ghost: Mark me.
Hamlet: I will.
Ghost: My hour is almost come
When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames
Must render up myself.
Hamlet: Alas poor ghost.
Ghost I am thy father's spirit.
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
Hamlet: Who done it?
Ghost: The serpent that did sting thy father's life
Now wears his crown.
Hamlet: My uncle! But why?
Ghost: For my crown and for my wife.
I'll bet he bedded her faster
Than I can say "quills upon the fretful pineapple".
Hamlet: Porcupine.
Ghost: What did I say?
Hamlet: Pineapple.
Ghost: (Chuckles) Hoh, hoh, ha, ha....
(Crash of thunder.)
Ghost: 'E Gods! I must not enjoy myself.
The rules say.... But fare thee well at once;
The glow-worm shows the matin to be near,
And 'gins to pale his uneffectual fire;
Adieu Hamlet.
Hamlet: Adieu mon pere.
(Enter Horatio, Bernardo and Marcellus.)
Horatio: Hillo, ho, ho, my Lord.
Hamlet: Hillo, ho, ho, boy; come bird, come.
Horatio: Holla.
Hamlet: Holla Horatio. To you too Bernardo, holla.
Bernardo: And it's holla back to you my Lord.
Hamlet: And good Marcellus: holla.
Marcellus: Well hello.
(The others look curiously at each other.)
Horatio: Good my Lord, what happened?
Hamlet: I saw my father's ghost. He said....
But you will reveal it.
Horatio: Not I.
Bernardo: Nor I.
(Marcellus says nothing, looks away.)
Hamlet: Well Marcellus? On my sword, swear.
Marcellus: Your sword! Well yes, of course.
Hamlet: Swear: never to speak of this that you have seen. Swear.
Ghost: Swear.
Hamlet: Rest, rest, perturbed spirit.
Gentlemen: the time is out of joint; O cursed spite
That ever I was born to set it right.
Nay, come, let's go together.
Marcellus: (To Bernardo) When he said "nay" did he mean "no"?
Bernardo: Yea.
Marcellus: And when he said "come", then "go", which did he mean?
Bernardo: Both.
Marcellus: But....
Bernardo: Come, let's go.
Marcellus: Yea.
(Exeunt.)
Bernardo: Come, let's go.
Marcellus: Yea.
(Exeunt.)

Scene 6
(Enter Polonius and Ophelia.)
Polonius: How now Ophelia, what's the matter?
Ophelia: My Lord, as I was sewing in my chamber,
Lord Hamlet, as if he had been loosed out of Hell,
Comes to me.
Polonius: What said he?
Ophelia: He took me by the wrist....
Polonius: The wrist.
Ophelia: And held me hard....
Polonius: Hard.
Ophelia: Then goes he to the length of all his arm...
Polonius: Huh?
Ophelia: And with his other hand thus o'er his brow....
Polonius: What do you mean "the length of all his arm"?
Ophelia: O father, for Heaven's sake, I'm trying to paint you a picture.
Polonius: Out with it Ophelia.
Ophelia: OK: he seems to fancy me.
Polonius: Come, we go to the King.
Ophelia: Come or go father?
Polonius: Nay, come, we'll go together.
(Exeunt.)










When in a pretence of a fight with swords
Did we play fencing with each other;
And recallest thou how you with accidental swipe
Removed a digit from my outstretched hand?
Hamlet Tush, t'was but an accident.
Horatio Thus, my Lord, 'twill not be possible
To give you what you now request:
i.e. a "five".
Hamlet Be not downcast my goodly, honest friend;
I will the little finger of my hand fold in
So I, in pretence of four-fingered hand
Give you what your severed hand bestows.
So proud Horatio, I give you four
And hop'st that you, in deference to my act
Will, in return, give me those four delightful prongs
That springeth from your palm.
Horatio "Four" it shall be my Lord.
(They slap hands.)
Hamlet Upon the platform then.
(Exeunt.)

Scene 3
(Enter Laertes, Ophelia and Polonius.)
Laertes Father, farewell.
Polonius Farewell to thee Laertes. And to you too Ophelia.
Ophelia I am actually not going with Laertes but staying here with you and Lord Hamlet.
Polonius 'Tis told he hath of late
Given private time to you.
Ophelia He hath my Lord of late made many tenders of his affection for me.
Laertes I'm leaving now. Farewell.
Polonius What is't between you? Give me the truth.
Laertes Goodbye then father.
Polonius Laertes: remember this:
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Laertes Right. So....
Polonius Now my girl: your meeting with young Hamlet must stop.
Laertes Goodbye then.
Polonius Come, let us go in together.
(Polonius and Ophelia leave; Laertes is left standing there still waving goodbye. He stamps his foot and leaves.)

Scene 4
(Enter Hamlet. Marcellus, Bernardo and Horatio.)
Hamlet The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.
(Enter Ghost.)
Horatio Look my Lord, it comes.
Hamlet I will speak to thee:
I'll call thee Hamlet, King, father, Royal Dane.
Marcellus How about "Ghost"?
Horatio It beckons you to go away with it.
Bernado But do not go.
Marcellus You shall not go my Lord.
Hamlet My fate cries out
And makes each petty artery in my body
As hardy as the Nemean lion's nerve;
Still am I called? Unhand me gentlemen.
By heaven I'll make a ghost of him that lets me;
I say away. Go on, I'll follow thee.
(Exeunt Ghost and Hamlet.)
Marcellus What's a Nemean lion?
Bernardo No idea.
Horatio He waxes desperate with imagination.
Let's follow him.

Scene 5
(Enter Ghost and Hamlet.)
Hamlet I'll go no further.
Ghost Mark me.
Hamlet I will.
Ghost My hour is almost come
When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames
Must render up myself.
Hamlet Alas poor ghost.
Ghost I am thy father's spirit.
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
Hamlet Who done it?
Ghost The serpent that did sting thy father's life
Now wears his crown.
Hamlet My uncle! But why?
Ghost For my crown and for my wife.
I'll bet he bedded her faster
Than I can say "quills upon the fretful pineapple".
Hamlet Porcupine.
Ghost What did I say?
Hamlet Pineapple.
Ghost (Chuckles) Hoh, hoh, ha, ha....
(Crash of thunder.)
Ghost 'E Gods! I must not enjoy myself.
The rules say.... But fare thee well at once;
The glow-worm shows the matin to be near,
And 'gins to pale his uneffectual fire;
Adieu Hamlet.
Hamlet Adieu mon pere.
(Enter Horatio, Bernardo and Marcellus.)
Horatio Hillo, ho, ho, my Lord.
Hamlet Hillo, ho, ho, boy; come bird, come.
Horatio Holla.
Hamlet Holla Horatio. To you too Bernardo, holla.
Bernardo And it's holla back to you my Lord.
Hamlet And good Marcellus: holla.
Marcellus Well hello.
(The others look curiously at each other.)
Horatio Good my Lord, what happened?
Hamlet I saw my father's ghost. He said....
But you will reveal it.
Horatio Not I.
Bernardo Nor I.
(Marcellus says nothing, looks away.)
Hamlet Well Marcellus? On my sword, swear.
Marcellus Your sword! Well yes, of course.
Hamlet Swear: never to speak of this that you have seen. Swear.
Ghost Swear.
Hamlet Rest, rest, perturbed spirit.
Gentlemen: the time is out of joint; O cursed spite
That ever I was born to set it right.
Nay, come, let's go together.
Marcellus (To Bernardo) When he said "nay" did he mean "no"?
Bernardo Yea.
Marcellus And when he said "come", then "go", which did he mean?
Bernardo Both.
Marcellus But....
Bernardo Come, let's go.
Marcellus Yea.
(Exeunt.)

Scene 6
(Enter Polonius and Ophelia.)
Polonius How now Ophelia, what's the matter?
Ophelia My Lord, as I was sewing in my chamber,
Lord Hamlet, as if he had been loosed out of Hell,
Comes to me.
Polonius What said he?
Ophelia He took me by the wrist....
Polonius The wrist.
Ophelia And held me hard....
Polonius Hard.
Ophelia Then goes he to the length of all his arm...
Polonius Huh?
Ophelia And with his other hand thus o'er his brow....
Polonius What do you mean "the length of all his arm"?
Ophelia O father, for Heaven's sake, I'm trying to paint you a picture.
Polonius Out with it Ophelia.
Ophelia OK: he seems to fancy me.
Polonius Come, we go to the King.
Ophelia Come or go father?
Polonius Nay, come, we'll go together.
(Exeunt.)
Scene 7
(Flourish. Enter King, Queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstren.)
King: Welcome Rosencrantz and Guildenstsern.
Something have you heard of Hamlet's transformation.
Queen: Good gentlemen, he hath much talked of you.
You are his friends.
Rosencrantz: We are.
Queen: I beseech you instantly to visit
My too much changed son.
Guildenstern: We will.
(Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Enter Polonius.)
Polonius: Was that good Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern or good Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz?
King: Both.
Polonius: My Leige and Madam, your son is mad.
That he is mad 'tis true; 'tis true 'tis pity
And pity it is true.
Now remains that we find out the cause of this effect,
Or rather, say, the cause of this defect,
For this effect defective comes by cause.
(The Queen yawns. The King bites his sleeve.)
King: Get on with it.
Polonius: I have a letter from Hamlet to Ophelia
Saying he loves her.
She hath, on my orders, been cool to him
So he's gone mad.
(Enter Hamlet reading a book.)
Queen: But look where sadly the poor wrtech comes reading.
Polonius: Away I do beseech you, both away.
King: Nay come, let's go together.
(Exeunt King and Queen.)
Polonius: Do you know me my Lord?
Hamlet: You are a fishmonger.
Have you a daughter?
Polonius: I have.
Hamlet: Let her not walk i' the sun.
Polonius: What do you read?
Hamlet: Words, words, words.
Polonius: Will you walk out of the air my Lord?
Hamlet: Into my grave.
(Polonius leaves.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)
Guildenstern: My honoured Lord.
Rosencrantz: My most dear Lord.
Hamlet: Welcome good Guildenstern.
Rosencrantz: I am Rosencratz.
Hamlet: Well then: welcome gentle Rosencrantz. And welcome good Guildenstern too.
Guildenstern: (Aside) If I were 'good' then I would not be Guildenstern.
Rosencrantz: (Aside) If I were 'gentle' then I would not be Rosencratz.
Hamlet: What have you deserved at the hands of Fortune that she sends you to prison hither?
Guildenstern: Prison my Lord?
Hamlet: Denmark's a prison.
Rosencrantz: Then is the world one.
Guildenstern: (Aside) Methinks Lord Hamlet over-eggeth things.
Hamlet: What make you at Elsinore?
Rosencrantz: To visit you my Lord.
Hamlet: (Aside) Liar.
Rosencrantz: (Aside) He thinks I'm lying.
Guildenstern: (Aside) He distrusts us.
Rosencrantz: (Aside) Do you think so?
Guildensterz: (Aside) Yes. Hey, what are doing in my "Aside"?
Rosencrantz: (Aside) You should not think so loudly.
Hamlet: Well gentlemen? Be even and direct with me: were you sent for or not?
Guildenstern: (Aside) If I say 'yea' that will make him think we are on the side of the King; if I say 'nay' he might tell the King and I am done.
Rosencrantz: (Aside) I'm waiting for Guildenstern to speak.
Hamlet: Well? Speak out your thoughts.
Guildenstern: Sent for.
Rosencrantz: Came of our own accord.
Hamlet: Well which?
Rosencrantz: Somewhere between.
Guildenstern: We were on our way to see you when the King sent for us.
Hamlet: I see. (Aside) No I don’t.
Guildenstern: Are you happy my Lord?
Hamlet: I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth. This goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory – a foul and pestilent congregation of nature.
Guildenstern: (Aside) Methinks he is not happy.
Rosencrantz: (Aside) Methinks he’s lost it.
Hamlet: What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty etc. etc. etc. And yet to me what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither.
Flourish.
Guildenstern: There are players come to entertain us all.
Enter players.
Rosencranz and Guidenstern move away.
Hamlet You are welcome masters. I am glad to see thee well. Come give us a taste of your quality; come, a passionate scene.
Player From what play my Lord?
Hamlet I heard thee speak me a speech once: ‘twas Aeneas’ tale to Dido:
“The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms.....

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