Plays
Mechanic
03/08/09
WHO AM I?A Monologue
There's an American comedian who tells this tale: "I woke up one day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my room-mate 'Can you believe this? Everything in my apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.' He said: 'Do I know you?' "
I felt like that yesterday when I got up. I wondered if the things in my place were mine or if they had been put there by someone else. Know what I mean? You never know if things are what they seem.
I mean, here I am, a young man who's out of work and looking for a job. That is, I'd take one if one came along, I'm not actually looking for one, not anything anyway. I'm a trained mechanic so I wouldn't want a job as,say, a nighwatchman would I? Though, when I come to think of it, I don't sleep all that well, so nightwatchman might suit me. Except for the hours. And the pay. I bet it's minimum wage. But on the other hand.... why did I say that? "On the other hand" when I haven't said on this hand. Never mind; on the other hand, as they say, you don't have to do anything hard, you don't have to fetch and carry or anything like that - you just have to walk about and see that things are in their proper place, that's all... (panic) What if they're not though? Trouble! The sack! "Get out you lazy good-for-nothing, you can't even keep an eye on things for a couple of hours." Etc. etc.
So that's out. Nightwatchman is definitely out. No, what I want to do is be a mechanic like I'm trained for. Though I never wanted to be a mechanic really. My father sort of arranged it for me. "You'll never pass your exams," he said, "so the best thing for you is to train as a mechanic." I told him I didn't like getting dirty and handling machinery and that, but he wouldn't listen. So here I am, a mechanic; out of work; sitting in my flat - flat? - bed sitter more like with the toilet down the hall about a hundred meters away, which is not very congenial when you're in a hurry. Talk about doing even time!
When I got up this morning I naturally went to the toilet and you know what? I had the strong impression that that toilet, basin and seat, were different from the ones there yesterday. I had the feeling that someone had stolen the proper toilet basin and seat and replaced them with identical toilet basin and seat. When I said this to the landlord he said to me: "Do I know you?"