John Graham Jones - Writer -

Plays

Phone call from Elsinore

PHONE CALL FROM ELSINORE

A Monologue.

Hello Mildred, is that you?..... Yes, fine. The weather's lovely - now. The journey was absolutely dreadful. Talk about storms at sea!..... No, I wasn't sea sick though everyone else was including those Danish sailors - sick as dogs..... O yes, it is quite nice here though the castle is a trifle on the gloomy side. And there's a tale going around that there's a ghost appearing in the night.... yes, that's right.... a ghost who appears on the battlements. Isn't it silly? A ghost! Yet soldiers say they've seen it - him. They keep talking about him walking the night and being confined to fires and whatnot. One made such a fuss that the king here, Claudius he's called, had the soldier locked up. What a sensible man this king is. Good looking too, strong, a real man, the sort you think - you know? - that I'll never look on his like again. Know what I mean? You feel so secure when he's around..... The Queen?..... O yes, she's got over it now.... no, not three months, within a month I believe. There was some gossip concerning the previous king, Claudius's brother, in the way he died; some say he was poisoned, but I don't believe it. Who'd want to poison him?..... Claudius! O Mildred never, not a nice man like him. Anyway, now that the new king is here and the old queen is with him, it's party time, all day and every day..... What's that? O her - what's-his-name's daughter! Not at all the sweet young thing I thought she'd be; turns out to be a great gallumphing hockey playing type. And she does look quite silly going around the place with that armful of flowers. And the clothes she wears? You know, the billowey kind - the sort that would keep you on the surface of a river if you accidentally fell in?..... Yes I did catch sight of that young prince this morning. Not so young as you might imagine. Still mourning his father's death; quite properly dressed in black but with one of those hippy-like madalions strung round his neck..... Well yes, he is upset - that's only natural after all; but he does go on about it a bit too much I feel, mooning around all over the place, talking to himself. I mean to say he's acting like a boy in 2B. What's that you say? Not 2B! Right 1C then. Do you know what he did yesterday? He invited to the court a group of scruffy actors; they just came and mixed themselves up with the Royals.... O her, "Jolly Hockey Sticks" you mean, she insisted on squatting on the floor at the feet of the Beatnick-in-Mourning, which is what I call him. Then he said something to her about being between her legs.... Yes, everyone was of course disgusted but he just laughed.... The King? O no, he did not like it one little bit. I mean, he is such a lovely man and to have to put up with all these goings on - well he just went rushing out of the room saying something about wanting a light, which I couldn't understand because I understood him to be a non-smoker...... Yes, they did invade but they were all rather pleasant after the bloodbath.... Yes, I'm afraid so. Everyone who was anyone dead, king, queen, prince, the lot.... No I wasn't personally involved, just a bystander. Then the British Counsul took me under his wing and told me that I would be safely conducted home..... Yes, he was terribly nice; he said he would warmly recommend me to a lady in Scotland who wants a companion; she's having some trouble sleeping I'm told.... That noise? O that's only that silly new man in charge telling the soldiers to go and shoot something or other.